I just wanted to tell you all that my MIL's surgery seems to have gone well and she is recovering. I know the upcoming months will be hard but we are off to a good start.
My mom is in a rehab facility and doing well also.
AND I did both of my shots myself last night! Brooke was on the phone so I used that as my opportunity to just do it. Funny my two biggest fears were poking my hand because I flinched or closed my eyes as I usually do or I would actually poke the needle in and forget to push the plunger or something. Well I did start to go for it and hesitated but not until I did actually prick my tummy. I couldn't believe it I just started laughing at myself I didn't even feel it I just saw my skin pull back. At that point I just stuck it in and it was fine. Did the second one and done! I was so proud of myself :) Then ten min later after the adrenalin wore off I was like ouch but I think it was all in my head.
I also went to a therapy session last night. I didn't realize how much venting can help and not having to filter or worry about who would hear this or that made all the difference. This blog also helps a bunch too so thanks for reading.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Attemp 13 CD2
OK I have been taking my estrogen pills since CD21 of last cycle waiting to get my period. AF arrived on Sunday so we called it in to the Dr. I was told that since it was late in the day they were going to make Monday CD1 so today is 2 and I start my stim shots tonight. I am actually going to make an attempt at giving them to myself this round because in this cycle I will HAVE to. Oh and I have decided to transfer 3 this time and maybe on day 3 not 5 since that worked the first time. I'm all in! Here we go!
In other not so fun news toooo much has happened. Most if not all of this has nothing to do with babies but it is my life. Around Christmas we found out my MIL has breast cancer. She went in for a lumpectomy in January and they found it to be almost stage 3 and not a good kind of cancer if that could even be! She actually had a mastectomy done TODAY. She will have to have chemo and radiation and the Dr's say it will be hard but doable and I know she is a fighter.
My mother also had a mammogram done about the same time oddly enough, and they also found a spot that thank god turned out to be nothing. She had also been petitioning for a tummy tuck with insurance thinking it would never happen but miraculously they approved it. So just about a week ago she went in for that surgery. I couldn't believe it but they sent her home that night after a 5 hour surgery. I guess this is normal but what they didn't account for is my mom is not normal! She got up that night around 1am to pee and fell. As if that's not bad enough she broke her ankle. So just a few days later she had to have another surgery to put pins in her foot. Now they are keeping her in the hospital/rehab until she can walk on her own.
With all this I feel like I am going insane. I am putting hormones in my body that already make me emotional and I hate that but with all this it just takes the slightest thing and I go mad just to stop myself from crying. Tensions are high in my house.
I was feeling very bad about my mother because I was so dismissive about her surgery. I mean she was so excited about it and I know she has my step father and friends to help after, and in light of all my MIL's stuff and my next cycle she was in a good place, until she fell. Now my cycle starts and Brooke will need to help her mom out. I feel bad because I want to help as well but I am stuck close to home because of pets and Dr. appts. This is why I will have to do my own shots.
I do know things will settle down in time and we can't stop everything or we will never get knocked up but this is a lot. You never know how good you have it until.............
I am going to do my best to get positive. I feel like after my MIL is back home and comfortable recovering from surgery I will feel a little better. I worry about Brooke because if you know her at all you would know she is a sensitive person in general but now..., who wouldn't be if it were your mom.
I am looking forward to a month from now. We will be pregnant my mom will be running about with a little tummy and my dear MIL will be pushing through her procedures like a trooper so she can enjoy all her grand babies. Life is hard sometimes but I hope it makes us appreciate the good stuff more.
Lots of love because we all need it.
In other not so fun news toooo much has happened. Most if not all of this has nothing to do with babies but it is my life. Around Christmas we found out my MIL has breast cancer. She went in for a lumpectomy in January and they found it to be almost stage 3 and not a good kind of cancer if that could even be! She actually had a mastectomy done TODAY. She will have to have chemo and radiation and the Dr's say it will be hard but doable and I know she is a fighter.
My mother also had a mammogram done about the same time oddly enough, and they also found a spot that thank god turned out to be nothing. She had also been petitioning for a tummy tuck with insurance thinking it would never happen but miraculously they approved it. So just about a week ago she went in for that surgery. I couldn't believe it but they sent her home that night after a 5 hour surgery. I guess this is normal but what they didn't account for is my mom is not normal! She got up that night around 1am to pee and fell. As if that's not bad enough she broke her ankle. So just a few days later she had to have another surgery to put pins in her foot. Now they are keeping her in the hospital/rehab until she can walk on her own.
With all this I feel like I am going insane. I am putting hormones in my body that already make me emotional and I hate that but with all this it just takes the slightest thing and I go mad just to stop myself from crying. Tensions are high in my house.
I was feeling very bad about my mother because I was so dismissive about her surgery. I mean she was so excited about it and I know she has my step father and friends to help after, and in light of all my MIL's stuff and my next cycle she was in a good place, until she fell. Now my cycle starts and Brooke will need to help her mom out. I feel bad because I want to help as well but I am stuck close to home because of pets and Dr. appts. This is why I will have to do my own shots.
I do know things will settle down in time and we can't stop everything or we will never get knocked up but this is a lot. You never know how good you have it until.............
I am going to do my best to get positive. I feel like after my MIL is back home and comfortable recovering from surgery I will feel a little better. I worry about Brooke because if you know her at all you would know she is a sensitive person in general but now..., who wouldn't be if it were your mom.
I am looking forward to a month from now. We will be pregnant my mom will be running about with a little tummy and my dear MIL will be pushing through her procedures like a trooper so she can enjoy all her grand babies. Life is hard sometimes but I hope it makes us appreciate the good stuff more.
Lots of love because we all need it.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
It has been too long I know!
I was shocked to see how long ago it was that I last posted. I have been so up and down emotionally and so much has happened since my last post but the long and short of it all is I am still not pregnant.
I did go to a new Dr. and he is wonderful, but honestly I think I am totally jaded and I just don't like people. His staff really made me mad. He gave us nothing but high hopes and happy thoughts about moving forward. Well I should say, he found my numbers to be low indicating my egg reserve is low. With that said he changed the protocol completely. We left his office hopeful that this new method could do the trick. Now comes the staff part... The Dr. said lets jump right in and sent us to the insurance person and then nurse. Well each of them wanted me to be sure to know this isn't how we usually do things! They had to expedite my claim but she didn't really want to because other people were a head of me yada yada yada. I tolerated this and kept going.
So now we did IVF #2 they got 11 eggs. I was so Happy! 8 fertilized and on Day 5 they put two beautiful blasts in and were able to freeze one. I was sad that only one made it to freeze but I was hopeful The pregnancy would take. It didn't.
I went in for the next consult and again the Dr. made me feel better but reaffirmed my egg quality is not that great. We then decided to do the FET (frozen egg transfer). I went in thinking un-medicated but he pushed for full meds and I listened, he knows better than me, and he said no reason to wait so lets do it! I had hopes that since my body would have less going on the egg might have a better chance. Well after going through the same nonsense with the insurance person and nurse, "wow this is fast...I expedited it last time sooo" Man I was furious! I bit my lip and kept going. This was just around Christmas. All my pee tests said no so I had settled on it not working again. But my period was late so I let myself think maybe. Another day passed and we decided to POAS (pee on a stick) one more time. Oh man I wish I hadn't. Negative again. It was such a blow for me. Days earlier I was resigned it didn't work but I let myself think MAYBE. Blood test confirmed not pregnant.
That brings us almost up to date. I went in last week for another follow up. I had had plenty of time to rehash all this so many times in my head I kinda feel bad for my Dr. He said all the things I expected. My eggs low quality and he actually recommends I implant 3 next time, but more on that comes later. I listened but honestly my hopes/excitement are quite a bit lower these days. He said we should press on because time is not my friend right now. I agreed but then had to stop it all and let him know how I feel.
I started off nice. I said he makes me feel hopeful when I am in his office but the moment I step out it is all over. I told him two comments his staff made like "pushing me up in the line of people who have been waiting" and "we don't usually do it this way but if that is what the Dr. said". So I told him I never want to relay a message to his staff. They made me feel like I was trying to pull some trick or something and I never want to hear how I am jumping the line. Like I may cause someone else to not get coverage. I told him I really don't give a shit (and yes I did say that). I said we all have jobs and parts of them we don't like and who isn't busy? I'm paying for this they are not doing me any favors.
His reaction was funny. He said he agreed they should not have said those things and then he said he liked how I didn't sugarcoat things. I was a little embarrassed but I knew if I didn't say something I was likely to either go off on someone or just hang up and I don't like to be rude.
So here I am waiting for aunt flow to show so I can start the count down again. Once my next cycle starts 3 weeks in I start meds them about three weeks of that and egg retrieval then transfer then another two week wait. So by April I should know if IVF # 3 worked.
As for how many we will put in this time..... It all depends on how many we get and how good they look. I do have to say I am on the fence. I like to watch bad TV and over the weekend I watched all kinds of pregnancy, labor, baby TV. One show had a woman who had 3 failed IVF attempts (one previous miscarriage from natural pregnancy) who was advised on IVF #4 to put in 3 eggs. My Dr. said with my history even twins isn't very likely so he isn't really concerned with 3. This is also what the woman was told on TV and she now has triplets! I am still on the fence but maybe you folks (if you are still out there) have a thought I would love to hear it.
I do hope I can start this up again and do better but we will see. TTFN
I did go to a new Dr. and he is wonderful, but honestly I think I am totally jaded and I just don't like people. His staff really made me mad. He gave us nothing but high hopes and happy thoughts about moving forward. Well I should say, he found my numbers to be low indicating my egg reserve is low. With that said he changed the protocol completely. We left his office hopeful that this new method could do the trick. Now comes the staff part... The Dr. said lets jump right in and sent us to the insurance person and then nurse. Well each of them wanted me to be sure to know this isn't how we usually do things! They had to expedite my claim but she didn't really want to because other people were a head of me yada yada yada. I tolerated this and kept going.
So now we did IVF #2 they got 11 eggs. I was so Happy! 8 fertilized and on Day 5 they put two beautiful blasts in and were able to freeze one. I was sad that only one made it to freeze but I was hopeful The pregnancy would take. It didn't.
I went in for the next consult and again the Dr. made me feel better but reaffirmed my egg quality is not that great. We then decided to do the FET (frozen egg transfer). I went in thinking un-medicated but he pushed for full meds and I listened, he knows better than me, and he said no reason to wait so lets do it! I had hopes that since my body would have less going on the egg might have a better chance. Well after going through the same nonsense with the insurance person and nurse, "wow this is fast...I expedited it last time sooo" Man I was furious! I bit my lip and kept going. This was just around Christmas. All my pee tests said no so I had settled on it not working again. But my period was late so I let myself think maybe. Another day passed and we decided to POAS (pee on a stick) one more time. Oh man I wish I hadn't. Negative again. It was such a blow for me. Days earlier I was resigned it didn't work but I let myself think MAYBE. Blood test confirmed not pregnant.
That brings us almost up to date. I went in last week for another follow up. I had had plenty of time to rehash all this so many times in my head I kinda feel bad for my Dr. He said all the things I expected. My eggs low quality and he actually recommends I implant 3 next time, but more on that comes later. I listened but honestly my hopes/excitement are quite a bit lower these days. He said we should press on because time is not my friend right now. I agreed but then had to stop it all and let him know how I feel.
I started off nice. I said he makes me feel hopeful when I am in his office but the moment I step out it is all over. I told him two comments his staff made like "pushing me up in the line of people who have been waiting" and "we don't usually do it this way but if that is what the Dr. said". So I told him I never want to relay a message to his staff. They made me feel like I was trying to pull some trick or something and I never want to hear how I am jumping the line. Like I may cause someone else to not get coverage. I told him I really don't give a shit (and yes I did say that). I said we all have jobs and parts of them we don't like and who isn't busy? I'm paying for this they are not doing me any favors.
His reaction was funny. He said he agreed they should not have said those things and then he said he liked how I didn't sugarcoat things. I was a little embarrassed but I knew if I didn't say something I was likely to either go off on someone or just hang up and I don't like to be rude.
So here I am waiting for aunt flow to show so I can start the count down again. Once my next cycle starts 3 weeks in I start meds them about three weeks of that and egg retrieval then transfer then another two week wait. So by April I should know if IVF # 3 worked.
As for how many we will put in this time..... It all depends on how many we get and how good they look. I do have to say I am on the fence. I like to watch bad TV and over the weekend I watched all kinds of pregnancy, labor, baby TV. One show had a woman who had 3 failed IVF attempts (one previous miscarriage from natural pregnancy) who was advised on IVF #4 to put in 3 eggs. My Dr. said with my history even twins isn't very likely so he isn't really concerned with 3. This is also what the woman was told on TV and she now has triplets! I am still on the fence but maybe you folks (if you are still out there) have a thought I would love to hear it.
I do hope I can start this up again and do better but we will see. TTFN
Friday, September 7, 2012
It has been a while.
I have been at a loss for things to say. I am so excited to try again. We met with the new Dr. and I really like him. I learned more about my constantly changing situation. The new doc thinks a total change in protocol might do the trick and I am totally happy about that. I went in today for a saline sonogram and got results from all the blood work they did on Tuesday. Well every thing looks great! The crazy part is when we went to the new doc he looked at my old records and said the numbers indicate a diminished ovarian reserve (not as may eggs) for my age. That explained my only having 4 eggs retrieved my last IVF and hence the new protocol. Well the results he gave me today do not give the same conclusion, good right! BUT WHY? He still wants to go the same route based on the results of the last IVF but even he couldn't say why the numbers were so different.
I am on the fast track now for my next IVF and I am excited but I am also unsure of my body. I am so disappointed with myself. Hard to explain but I have let myself down. I try so hard to be ready for the next cycle but it has been so long since we started all this, I am slacking. I would rather sit on my couch and eat than get excited about a potential baby.
Well I have plans for this month to make things move smoother for me. This weekend we are going to my sisters to celebrate my great nephews first birthday. I am going to do my best to stay happy and honestly once I see the little man I will be happy so it should be fun. Next weekend I am driving up to Maine to visit my mom for the weekend. ( I have to leave Brooke at home because my family can't play nice and it sucks, but I will be happy to see my mom) I haven't seen her all summer and she will be headed back to FL soon. Lastly the weekend following that we will go to CT to visit my mother in law. It will be our 5th anniversary and we did get married in CT so it feels right to me. It will be relaxing and a change from our everyday so I am excited. We haven't been in a long time and that is strange for us and Brooke especially. I think this may have been the longest we have gone without visiting ever. We have been overwhelmed with Dr. appts and shots... Well I don't have to do another thing until the day after our anniversary and that will only be taking a pill!
I really appreciate you guys who read this. I really means something when you get a note from someone who doesn't even know you saying they are thinking about you and praying for you. Words can't say! It made me remember why I started this blog and what the end game is, so thank you!
I will give updates on all the upcoming events and I wish you all the best! September is my favorite month so take a min and enjoy it with me!
Lots of love <3
I am on the fast track now for my next IVF and I am excited but I am also unsure of my body. I am so disappointed with myself. Hard to explain but I have let myself down. I try so hard to be ready for the next cycle but it has been so long since we started all this, I am slacking. I would rather sit on my couch and eat than get excited about a potential baby.
Well I have plans for this month to make things move smoother for me. This weekend we are going to my sisters to celebrate my great nephews first birthday. I am going to do my best to stay happy and honestly once I see the little man I will be happy so it should be fun. Next weekend I am driving up to Maine to visit my mom for the weekend. ( I have to leave Brooke at home because my family can't play nice and it sucks, but I will be happy to see my mom) I haven't seen her all summer and she will be headed back to FL soon. Lastly the weekend following that we will go to CT to visit my mother in law. It will be our 5th anniversary and we did get married in CT so it feels right to me. It will be relaxing and a change from our everyday so I am excited. We haven't been in a long time and that is strange for us and Brooke especially. I think this may have been the longest we have gone without visiting ever. We have been overwhelmed with Dr. appts and shots... Well I don't have to do another thing until the day after our anniversary and that will only be taking a pill!
I really appreciate you guys who read this. I really means something when you get a note from someone who doesn't even know you saying they are thinking about you and praying for you. Words can't say! It made me remember why I started this blog and what the end game is, so thank you!
I will give updates on all the upcoming events and I wish you all the best! September is my favorite month so take a min and enjoy it with me!
Lots of love <3
Monday, August 13, 2012
Settling in.
Well I went for another blood draw last Tuesday and it came back at 21. I was not surprised, in a way I was happy. I also decided that day to change doctors. I have been unhappy with this Dr. from the get go but stayed because he had high ratings. I in no way blame him or anyone else for my miscarriage but honestly this guy is a douche. When we went in for the follow up appointment and blood draw the Dr. came in and said "I just herd you were in the ER". Brooke called them the day before and let them know. Then once we went to his office to talk he still wan't convinced we called so he was looking on the computer and said "oh here is the note that you called about the miscarriage, yup it's in here" really this guy is always behind the 8 ball. So after that and reading on baby center about another local woman changing to Boston IVF I just made the call. I did ask the woman on line if she had the same Dr. I had and she didn't but it would not have surprised me.
So we have an appointment for another blood draw with the old Dr., well the 3rd party blood draw people on the 21st. This will be our last appointment. Then an appointment with the new Dr. on the 24th. I hope my period holds out till after the new Dr.sees me. If all goes well we could start right up. If AF shows up earlier we may be held back another month but that will be OK too.
I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the summer. It does seem to be going fast this year. We haven't done any of the stuff we thought we would, oh well. NEXT YEAR!
TTFN
So we have an appointment for another blood draw with the old Dr., well the 3rd party blood draw people on the 21st. This will be our last appointment. Then an appointment with the new Dr. on the 24th. I hope my period holds out till after the new Dr.sees me. If all goes well we could start right up. If AF shows up earlier we may be held back another month but that will be OK too.
I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the summer. It does seem to be going fast this year. We haven't done any of the stuff we thought we would, oh well. NEXT YEAR!
TTFN
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
No good news...
This is not what I wanted to be writing today but I have put it off long enough. Monday morning about 2 AM I had a miscarriage. Woke up with cramps and blood went to ER and soon after it was over. It was not physically painful. It was very emotional. Looks like it stopped around 5 weeks. No one knows why.
We are doing well. Spent the day together and it was really nice to have that time alone. It was just us and our feelings. Now we are back to reality and it can be hard. I take things in a very realistic way. I know we are moving on to try again. Brooke is more emotional and I feel for her. It is a confusing time. She wants to be strong for me but I know she is sad. I also know I am sad but not sure if I will ever be able to allow myself that sadness. I defiantly aloud myself the night but that time has now passed for me.
Strange, now I find myself trying to make others feel better about it. I am honestly OK. I am not great but I am not in pain. I know we will get pregnant again. When someone asks about things I have no choice but to tell them. I had been saying all along this could happen and I feel like it shouldn't be a secret. I must say I didn't really want to be the one to make people more aware.
Looking forward... We are waiting for my period to start again. Not sure how long that will take it could be quick like 2 weeks or could be up to 8 weeks or so, it is not up to me. Then we start over. Taking birth control pills for about a month then back to injections. The Dr. is increasing the dose in hopes of more eggs. I am glad for that. I just want to think positive. I want to be the same. I don't want to be treated differently at all. This is the hard part, waiting again.
I will have good news again soon so don't give up on us.
We are doing well. Spent the day together and it was really nice to have that time alone. It was just us and our feelings. Now we are back to reality and it can be hard. I take things in a very realistic way. I know we are moving on to try again. Brooke is more emotional and I feel for her. It is a confusing time. She wants to be strong for me but I know she is sad. I also know I am sad but not sure if I will ever be able to allow myself that sadness. I defiantly aloud myself the night but that time has now passed for me.
Strange, now I find myself trying to make others feel better about it. I am honestly OK. I am not great but I am not in pain. I know we will get pregnant again. When someone asks about things I have no choice but to tell them. I had been saying all along this could happen and I feel like it shouldn't be a secret. I must say I didn't really want to be the one to make people more aware.
Looking forward... We are waiting for my period to start again. Not sure how long that will take it could be quick like 2 weeks or could be up to 8 weeks or so, it is not up to me. Then we start over. Taking birth control pills for about a month then back to injections. The Dr. is increasing the dose in hopes of more eggs. I am glad for that. I just want to think positive. I want to be the same. I don't want to be treated differently at all. This is the hard part, waiting again.
I will have good news again soon so don't give up on us.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Things seem to be on track.
I went for my 3rd BETA on wed and it came back at 1650. The nurse called and said it was good :). Prior to her call I had a little panic attack. I went in to the potty around 11 and had blood, it was brown which means old blood, I know this is normal as I have read many times but I freaked. I called the nurse and the numbers were not in yet but she said they don't worry about brown blood. Easy for them. Well by end of day no more blood and still none so I do feel better. My back is much better but by the end of the day it aches. I think it will be better in the next week. I ordered yoga videos and I think the stretching will make all the difference.
We go for our first ultrasound on the 31st at 9am. It can't get here soon enough. We should see the heart beat then. I am really hoping for great news. I was feeling so good before the spotting (well good about being pregnant! my back still hurt) I hope seeing something or someone in my belly :) will put me back in a place of ease.
Now that we have gotten this far I am ready to try to really enjoy my summer. Going to start planning family visits to CT and maybe a few shindigs at our place. I am getting excited!
TTFN
We go for our first ultrasound on the 31st at 9am. It can't get here soon enough. We should see the heart beat then. I am really hoping for great news. I was feeling so good before the spotting (well good about being pregnant! my back still hurt) I hope seeing something or someone in my belly :) will put me back in a place of ease.
Now that we have gotten this far I am ready to try to really enjoy my summer. Going to start planning family visits to CT and maybe a few shindigs at our place. I am getting excited!
TTFN
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)