Good Scan!

Well I went for my scan again today and I got to see little bean again.  It was bouncing around and waiving hands with a good strong heart beat.  I am in a good place for the first time in a few weeks.

I do plan to change doctors in the next month or so.  We asked if they sent in the blood work from the last week because we were, OK I was, hoping to get the gender.  They then informed me that the test I was having wouldn't show this and I have to wait till 18 weeks.  OK no big deal really, except I was lead to believe this was the test that would show gender... Also they still could not tell us why the scan had to be redone!  The doctor was not in today but honestly this is my medical info.  I just want a doctor who is more upfront and clear.

I think that is it for now.  Brooke and I are going to CT for the long weekend and I am excited to get away for a bit in a happy place emotionally and physically.

I hope you all have a happy and safe holiday!

If I only knew about all the ups and downs...

I know it has been a while.  I just can't believe all that happens in this journey.  I wouldn't wish my story on anyone.  Well my last post let you know I was having twins.

We got released from the RE and had our first appointment with the OBGYN.  It went well and the Dr seemed nice.  She did do a quick ultrasound and we saw baby A clear as day, baby B seemed difficult and the Dr said it was hiding and set us up for another ultrasound in a week.  I was a little put off by not seeing baby b but the Dr. didn't seem concerned at all so I tried to let it go.

Brooke and I were getting used of the idea of 2 and even stopped in babies R us for a peak, bad decision, I almost had a mental breakdown just so overwhelming especially with two babies in mind.  Fast forward a few days and I went for another ultrasound.  I told Brooke she didn't have to miss work for this, we don't want to give any reason for work to get upset.  At the scan I get the news the second baby is not viable.  I wanted to die on the spot.  I just felt like something was going to be wrong. Not physically but mentally.  I kept telling myself to let it go I was just freaking myself out.  Well I guess my gut was right.

They reassured me it was early and the two babies are in separate sacks so baby A should be fine, and baby A is doing well.  Such a shot to me I didn't know how to feel.  I was so sad.  I wanted to be happy about baby A still doing well but it was to much to think about.  I lost another little one and I was crushed.  It took a while to figure it out in my mind.  I tried to think positive, the first thought was it will not be as hard now financially but then in an instant I was so mad at myself for letting that thought in my head.  I lost a baby not a financial burden.  Baby A lost a sibling and a playmate.  Man it was hard.

My doctor was not in that day so another one came to talk to me.  It was a blur but she said I could come back in a week to have another scan for peace of mind.  I scheduled it.  The next morning my Dr. called to check in and also asked that I make an appointment to speak with her after the scan just to discuss.  I called when the office opened and asked to have that scheduled.

Now Brooke and I have to cope with the loss and the fact we still have a little one growing, very confusing emotionally.  We take our time and it starts to settle in and I start to accept our reality and move on.

Now at this very moment baby A is measuring right and has a strong heartbeat.  But that doesn't mean we are off the hook for more crap.

I go for the scan just to see baby A and feel better about things.  Brooke came with me this time.  We did see the bug bouncing around and a strong heartbeat.  We were happy as can be but I still had a heavy heart but getting better.  The tech started taking measurements and what not, seemed normal.  Then we went to the waiting room to see the Dr.  Well they didn't actually put me on the schedule, I have no idea why.  Then they scramble and squeeze me in.  We get put in an exam room and they start a regular visit.  Make me strip and such.  The Dr. comes in and starts the usual and says she would so the pap then.  I did not want a pap at all.  I couldn't handle bleeding from my who ha right now for any reason.  She was confused.  I told her I thought she just wanted to talk and go over the scan.  She said well they took measurements so I might as well get the blood work done as well, so I did.  Mind you I was scheduled at the end of this month for this test not that day.  The Dr. said to cancel that and I just went with the flow.  All this happened last Thursday.

Well two days ago I got another call from the Dr. office that I had to come back in for the scan and blood work again because the measurements???  Now I'm pissed.  I also failed to mention the ultrasound tech was a half hour late because she had to change the paper in the machine and didn't know how.  She said this machine was different than the one she was used to!

So are the measurements off because baby is not well or because tech screwed up?  I still do not know.  I made the appointment and the next day called back to clarify so I thought.  The nurse has reassured me that baby is correct size and has a good heart beat but could not tell me WHY the measurements had to be done again.

What really is pissing me off is the scan was supposed to be for me not for testing.  So instead of making me feel better now I feel worse.  I am not sure if I can stay with this Dr but I am going to try to give one more chance to gain my confidence.

This is not how I thought my pregnancy would be.  Never mind my hormones making me crazy but if the Dr office can't get shit straight what good are they???  I am so tired of being upset and emotional.  I am also so tired that every time I post it is ugly.  I want to say happy things but until I know baby is OK I just can't be truly happy.  After all I have read I have a feeling that may not come with this pregnancy at all.  I just want a healthy baby to bring home.

I only decided to post this because maybe someone else is going through a hard time too and can learn from my crap or just know they are not alone.  I feel very alone in this.  I know Brooke does as well.  It is hard to talk about it.  I know we both have the same feelings running through us.  I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff and upset her and I know she feels the same about me.  I really hope after the scan on Tuesday I will have a better outlook.

Thanks for reading and I will do my best to have happy news soon.

TTFN

TWINS!

Well I was so worried about this scan for fear of the worst...  I went in today for my second scan and much to my surprise we are having twins! 

We are now past when I had a loss last year and with the news of twins I am determined to be happy.  This is just what we wished for now we have to prepare:)

I think I am in a much better place now and I hope to have fun things to share allong the way.
What a crazy ride life can be!

so nervous

I go for may second ultrasound on Monday and I am so nervous.  The first scan was perfect and we had never gotten to that point last time.  Also last time my back was so sore that I have convinced myself that was when I was losing the pregnancy.  I haven't had back pain like that at all and no spotting at all but I am still terrified.  My symptoms keep changing and I can't figure them out.  I haven't talked about it because it just makes me want to cry.  I know nothing can be done no matter what so I am trying to let it go but today it isn't working.  I really just want to go back to bed until I get to the second trimester.  I am sorry to be so down but I am.  My logical mind says I will have good news on Monday but by heart hurts about what could be. 
I found a new group on baby center of ladies over 35 and pregnant due around the same time.  I was so happy to find them because they seem so supportive compared to the big birth boards that have way too much drama for me.  I logged in this morning to find 2 more posts of ladies who went for scans and found the pregnancy wasn't viable.  It just set me off and I guess triggered me to write this.  It is all so scary to me right now and I hate it.

I think I have said enough.  I appreciate having a safe place to let my thoughts out.  I hope to be in better spirits soon and I promise to let you all know how the scan goes on Monday goes.

TTFN
P

a little heart beat!

I know it has been a bit but I was just so nervous I couldn't write.  We had our first BETA on June 23rd and it came back at 203.6 then another on the 26th came back at 786.  So I was happy but still freaking out.  We went this morning for our first scan and honestly I wanted to run away the whole time expecting to see nothing.  Thank goodness it was all in my head.  We have one little blob measuring perfectly and a little heartbeat!  I am still in a fog and not sure when it will hit me it is real, other than the RE telling us we have to find an OB in the next 2 weeks.

I have not felt much this time.  A little yucky stomach but I haven't felt like it is morning sickness yet but I might be delusional because I did puke last night (not nice).

Other than that I don't have much to say.  I hope this is it!

Thanks for looking in and I will update when I have any good news to share.

TTFN

So we did it again

Well I have been so grumpy with all this fertility crap I just said "F" it!  I started another cycle at the end of May and now I am 10 days past a 3 day transfer of 3 embryos.  All three looked good but all three also had a bit of fragmentation but still a high grade.  I am scheduled for my BETA test on Sunday.

I can't even begin to start with all the crap that goes on with this process.  They were sending my meds out every other day because my insurance has some no waste policy and the pharmacy can't seem to make up its mind on what exactly this means.  One cycle they send all the meds the next part then another part.  Well this time I was on such a high dose it was ridiculous, right when I received delivery I would call in another order...annoying!

We made it through that mess went in for retrieval and they only got 7!  I was on so much meds and only 7 WTF!  Then after getting home we had 3 messages that they needed to do ICSI (inject one sperm into each egg) because our swimmers didn't meet the standard.  This is an additional $2500 if insurance doesn't approve.  We couldn't wait or we could lose them all so we said "do it" praying the insurance would cover and it seems it did thank goodness.  That crisis averted we waited to find only 5 fertilized.  So we were scheduled for a 3 day transfer and I was so bummed.  The whole cycle feels like a cluster Fu@%.

I told Brooke I was done.  If this cycle doesn't work it is her eggs next!  I have not been doing anything more than taking the meds.  I usually try to eat better or read a bunch on fertility boards.  I had no interest until about  Monday when I just peaked in on the boards to see what was up with the ladies.  I started to feel more into it but still didn't get invested.  Yesterday I just felt odd.  I told my co worker if I wasn't pregnant I would be pissed with how I feel but what are the odds for me, the meds make all these things happen after all.  I know I have done it enough times.  I was also running to pee so much yesterday.

Sooo  very long story short.  I POAS this morning and we have 2 lines!  If you made it this far in my rant the good news is we are pregnant again!  It is really really early and I am trying to be cautious but it is getting harder by the min.  It was a year ago I was pregnant for the first time.  Brooke says maybe I can only get pregnant in June :)

Now I am going to try to get my mind and body into it and be good.  Eat better and take care of myself better.  I cannot help but be excited.  If something goes wrong I will have to deal then, but for now I am so happy to say I am pregnant!  It was also the best thing to wake Brooke up to today, She didn't know I was going to POAS this morning.  Honestly I didn't know until I just did it.

BFN

Well I am still not pregnant.  This is beginning to feel like a bad joke.  I am going to set up a meeting with the Dr. but I plan to take May off so really won't be doing anything until July.  I really need a break and I also need to get my mind and body back for a little while.

I hope everyone is doing well, stay tuned to see what happens next.........in a month or two

HAPPY SPRING

PUPO again

We had our transfer yesterday. Two hatching embies that I hope are digging in for the long haul. We go for beta on the 25th. Happens to be Brooke's birthday so I hope she gets a great gift.

I'll keep you posted :)

We have a plan

After so many days of feeling like poop either from meds or emotions, I actually feel human today!  I called the Dr. yesterday and now I know I go in on the 11th for blood work and an ultrasound.  If everything looks good we will do the FET on the 16th.  We will put back both embryos and hope for the best.  Good or bad I don't know but the doctors at my clinic decided that the use of antibiotics and steroids are not necessary/beneficial for frozen cycles, so none of those this time.  Last time one of them made me puke, but if it was supposed to make things work I was all for it.  Well it didn't so I am trying to say maybe they are right!

I am so happy to see a clear blue sky and SUN!  I have nothing else interesting to report.  I hope you are all getting good weather too and get out and enjoy it a little.  Happy Friday!

TTFN

Cycle Day 1

Well my period started again....  I actually thought this might have worked at one point but I was wrong.  We go for our follow up appointment Wed.  I am so discouraged right now and I feel like my body is not allowing them to implant.  I mentioned this once to the Dr. but he dismissed it.  I plan to ask again and really push for some testing but I don't even know.  We are getting Brooke warmed up for trying with her eggs in the next few months.
I still have the two frosties so I plan to go right into a FET unless testing delays that and that would be OK with me.

Well that's my update even though it sucks.

Thanks for all your well wishes they were very helpful on my low days.  YOU are appreciated :)

6dp5dt

It is still up and down as usual.  I have been a bit off this cycle with all that is going on in my life right now.  Yesterday I just started to feel like this just may have worked.  No solid reason for this feeling more like I think I feel the way I felt when I was preg last time but who really knows I just felt good about it.  I got home to find the letter from the doctors office that will tell us if any of the embryos made it to freeze.  I almost didn't open it because I just knew it was going to say none made it.  Last time they told us on the day of transfer that one made it to freeze and nothing changed when we got the letter.  At the time of transfer the doc went over how the embryos looked and I just got the feeling they were not so good.  Well I did open it because I am a control freak and surprisingly we had 2 make it to freeze.

Add this news to my already good feeling and I was in a nice place.  Then I tested this morning and BFN.  I know it is still possible and I am trying to hold out hope but it is not easy.  When I did get prego last time I had a positive on 6dp5dt.  I will not test again until Saturday.  I need to let this go another day so I don't keep feeling like a boomerang.

I think that is it for now.  Blood test Sunday, will update after.

Baby dust

fertilization report

Out of 18, 10 fertilized.  I am happy this is more than ever before but greedy me wishes more fertilized.

Just waiting for transfer day now hope for Friday but could be Wed. depending on how they are doing.

Egg Retreival

Well I was thinking I would have my retrieval today or tomorrow but was surprised when they said Sunday (yesterday).  I guess this time around I responded better than expected because they got 18 eggs!  I am still waiting to find out how many were mature enough and how many fertilized.  I am actually quite nervous.  Quality over quantity is better but I still don't know the quality YET! 
I still feel like I got punched in the gut but it is getting better.  I am getting excited but it quickly changes to nervous.  We will have to wait and see.

That's it for now..........I will post how may fertilized when I find out.  :)

CD 8

So I went for my first u/s and blood work on Sat morning.  They said they could see about 10 then but all to small to measure as expected.  Went in this morning after 6 days of stims I have two on my right measuring 12 and 12.5.  I also have 2 11's on my left but they don't count until they reach 12.  Also a few small ones who should catch up.  Things are looking good so far.

Update:  MIL got results back from the 12 nodes removed and all are cancer free!  So she will not have to have radiation but still needs chemo.  Looking at the positives.  She is doing well.

I update next appointment.

Hope you are all well.

a little update

I just wanted to tell you all that my MIL's surgery seems to have gone well and she is recovering.  I know the upcoming months will be hard but we are off to a good start.

My mom is in a rehab facility and doing well also.

AND  I did both of my shots myself last night!  Brooke was on the phone so I used that as my opportunity to just do it.  Funny my two biggest fears were poking my hand  because I flinched or closed my eyes as I usually do or I would actually poke the needle in and forget to push the plunger or something.  Well I did start to go for it and hesitated but not until I did actually prick my tummy.  I couldn't believe it I just started laughing at myself I didn't even feel it I just saw my skin pull back.  At that point I just stuck it in and it was fine.  Did the second one and done!  I was so proud of myself :)  Then ten min later after the adrenalin wore off I was like ouch but I think it was all in my head.

I also went to a therapy session last night.  I didn't realize how much venting can help and not having to filter or worry about who would hear this or that made all the difference.  This blog also helps a bunch too so thanks for reading.

Attemp 13 CD2

OK I have been taking my estrogen pills since CD21 of last cycle waiting to get my period.  AF arrived on Sunday so we called it in to the Dr.  I was told that since it was late in the day they were going to make Monday CD1 so today is 2 and I start my stim shots tonight.  I am actually going to make an attempt at giving them to myself this round because in this cycle I will HAVE to. Oh and I have decided to transfer 3 this time and maybe on day 3 not 5 since that worked the first time.  I'm all in! Here we go!

In other not so fun news toooo much has happened.  Most if not all of this has nothing to do with babies but it is my life.  Around Christmas we found out my MIL has breast cancer.  She went in for a lumpectomy in January and they found it to be almost stage 3 and not a good kind of cancer if that could even be!  She actually had a mastectomy done TODAY.  She will have to have chemo and radiation and the Dr's say it will be hard but doable and I know she is a fighter.

My mother also had a mammogram done about the same time oddly enough, and they also found a spot that thank god turned out to be nothing.  She had also been petitioning for a tummy tuck with insurance thinking it would never happen but miraculously they approved it.  So just about a week ago she went in for that surgery.  I couldn't believe it but they sent her home that night after a 5 hour surgery.  I guess this is normal but what they didn't account for is my mom is not normal!  She got up that night around 1am to pee and fell.  As if that's not bad enough she broke her ankle.  So just a few days later she had to have another surgery to put pins in her foot.  Now they are keeping her in the hospital/rehab until she can walk on her own.

With all this I feel like I am going insane.  I am putting hormones in my body that already make me emotional and I hate that but with all this it just takes the slightest thing and I go mad just to stop myself from crying.  Tensions are high in my house.

I was feeling very bad about my mother because I was so dismissive about her surgery.  I mean she was so excited about it and I know she has my step father and friends to help after, and in light of all my MIL's stuff and my next cycle she was in a good place, until she fell.  Now my cycle starts and Brooke will need to help her mom out.  I feel bad because I want to help as well but I am stuck close to home because of pets and Dr. appts.  This is why I will have to do my own shots. 

I do know things will settle down in time and we can't stop everything or we will never get knocked up but this is a lot.  You never know how good you have it until.............

I am going to do my best to get positive.  I feel like after my MIL is back home and comfortable recovering from surgery I will feel a little better.  I worry about Brooke because if you know her at all you would know she is a sensitive person in general but now..., who wouldn't be if it were your mom.

I am looking forward to a month from now.  We will be pregnant my mom will be running about with a little tummy and my dear MIL will be pushing through her procedures like a trooper so she can enjoy all her grand babies.  Life is hard sometimes but I hope it makes us appreciate the good stuff more.

Lots of love because we all need it.

It has been too long I know!

I was shocked to see how long ago it was that I last posted. I have been so up and down emotionally and so much has happened since my last post but the long and short of it all is I am still not pregnant.

I did go to a new Dr. and he is wonderful, but honestly I think I am totally jaded and I just don't like people.  His staff really made me mad.  He gave us nothing but high hopes and happy thoughts about moving forward.  Well I should say, he found my numbers to be low indicating my egg reserve is low.  With that said he changed the protocol completely.   We left his office hopeful that this new method could do the trick.  Now comes the staff part...  The Dr. said lets jump right in and sent us to the insurance person and then nurse.  Well each of them wanted me to be sure to know this isn't how we usually do things!  They had to expedite my claim but she didn't really want to because other people were a head of me yada yada yada. I tolerated this and kept going.

So now we did IVF #2 they got 11 eggs.  I was so Happy!  8 fertilized and on Day 5 they put two beautiful blasts in and were able to freeze one.  I was sad that only one made it to freeze but I was hopeful The pregnancy would take.  It didn't.

I went in for the next consult and again the Dr. made me feel better but reaffirmed my egg quality is not that great.  We then decided to do the FET (frozen egg transfer).  I went in thinking un-medicated but he pushed for full meds and I listened, he knows better than me, and he said no reason to wait so lets do it!  I had hopes that since my body would have less going on the egg might have a better chance.  Well after going through the same nonsense with the insurance person and nurse, "wow this is fast...I expedited it last time sooo"  Man I was furious!  I bit my lip and kept going.  This was just around Christmas.  All my pee tests said no so I had settled on it not working again.  But my period was late so I let myself think maybe.  Another day passed and we decided to POAS (pee on a stick) one more time.  Oh man I wish I hadn't.  Negative again.  It was such a blow for me.  Days earlier I was resigned it didn't work but I let myself think MAYBE.  Blood test confirmed not pregnant.

That brings us almost up to date.  I went in last week for another follow up.  I had had plenty of time to rehash all this so many times in my head I kinda feel bad for my Dr.  He said all the things I expected.  My eggs low quality and he actually recommends I implant 3 next time, but more on that comes later.  I listened but honestly my hopes/excitement are quite a bit lower these days.  He said we should press on because time is not my friend right now.  I agreed but then had to stop it all and let him know how I feel.

I started off nice.  I said he makes me feel hopeful when I am in his office but the moment I step out it is all over.  I told him two comments his staff made like "pushing me up in the line of people who have been waiting" and "we don't usually do it this way but if that is what the Dr. said".  So I told him I never want to relay a message to his staff.  They made me feel like I was trying to pull some trick or something and I never want to hear how I am jumping the line.  Like I may cause someone else to not get coverage.  I told him I really don't give a shit (and yes I did say that).  I said we all have jobs and parts of them we don't like and who isn't busy?  I'm paying for this they are not doing me any favors.

His reaction was funny.  He said he agreed they should not have said those things and then he said he liked how I didn't sugarcoat things.  I was a little embarrassed but I knew if I didn't say something I was likely to either go off on someone or just hang up and I don't like to be rude.

So here I am waiting for aunt flow to show so I can start the count down again.  Once my next cycle starts  3 weeks in I start meds them about three weeks of that and egg retrieval then transfer then another two week wait.  So by April I should know if IVF # 3 worked.

As for how many we will put in this time.....  It all depends on how many we get and how good they look.  I do have to say I am on the fence.  I like to watch bad TV and over the weekend I watched all kinds of pregnancy, labor, baby TV.  One show had a woman who had 3 failed IVF attempts (one previous miscarriage from natural pregnancy) who was advised on IVF #4 to put in 3 eggs.  My Dr. said with my history even twins isn't very likely so he isn't really concerned with 3.  This is also what the woman was told on TV and she now has triplets!  I am still on the fence but maybe you folks (if you are still out there) have a thought I would love to hear it.

I do hope I can start this up again and do better but we will see.  TTFN