Switching donor & buying more sperm

So after purchasing ten vials in hopes of 2 or more babies, we are down to two vials and no babies.  This is our dilemma…

I don't know if we should we switch the last two vials for another donor (our guy has been sold out forever) and then purchase another 5 of that new guy?  I just confirmed with my insurance that if I were to do 6 Dr. assisted cycles by age 35 (this May) my insurance would cover IVF.  We have already done 6 cycles at home that don’t count.  If we purchase 5 more then we will have enough for 6 more tries and one more for IVF.  God willing it will happen sooner and we keep the other swimmers for baby #2. 

Also we are stumped on the new donor selection.  The first time we went all out paid for all info and such.  We had a long list of requirements that by the time we purchased most were off the list.  Now I hate to admit, money is a real issue.  We have wanted a known donor but that cost $100 more each vial.  Is it wrong that I am having these thoughts?  We are looking at 3 basic traits now Caucasian, blue/green eyes and over 5’7’.  Honestly this is just to make the baby look like it is part of both of us as much as we can tell from a computer screen.  We would be happy with a polka dotted baby at this moment as long as he/she were healthy and happy.  I am starting to feel like I may be over thinking the whole thing or on the flip side not thinking enough this time around.  What do you think?

NO GO AGAIN

Well we are not pregnant.  We have an appointment with a new clinic and I hope this will tip the odds in our favor.  We are sitting out a month to figure out a few things.  I am almost 35 and that’s when insurance will kick in and help after 6 tries.  Now we need to know if 6 tries leading up to 35 count or if the 6 have to be after I am 35.  The worst is the 6 we just did mean nothing to insurance because we did it ourselves at home.  I can't say I would have changed it.  I still wish we could make it happen ourselves at home.  But it is time to move on!

I am looking forward to this New Year.  I am going to do my best to drop some lbs. but I have said that forever.  I hope to get some things around the house done and have some fun for a month then get back to work on baby making.

I truly appreciate all of you who stop in and read this it makes things feel more real to me.  Family is great but sometimes they are to close.  Having someone who only knows a few of my thoughts and still hopes for good things for me is a feeling I didn't know I would cherish so much, so thank you!

Up and Down Yes then No

I wish I could explain what I am feeling.  I feel hopeful but a second later I tell myself to wake up and face reality.  If you could only imagine every time you go to the bathroom, you find yourself begging to (god, the world, fate, whoever) not see blood!  I actually close my eyes and say the words please.  I am glad I always make sure I am alone. I'm a little pee shy but imagine if someone else heard me?  They would think I am nuts.  They would probably be right!

I did POAS this morning and got BFN.  I know it is early but I swear I keep feeling things.  A couple days ago I felt cramping for an hour or so.  I took this as a good sign something was happening and it was way to early for AF.  I have had a tinge now and then since but now I worry it is AF.  The same feeling different day and I freak.  Meanwhile if I wasn't TTC I don't think I would even notice any of this.

Till tomorrow....... Thanks so much for the kind words and for keeping us in your thoughts.  It means the world.

Oh! On another note.  Brooke sent me a text today that made me laugh so I wanted to share.  I know she won't mind.

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is my wife and I to be happy and healthy with a healthy bun in the oven. I would like to awake on the 25th and see tears of joy and 

the biggest smile on my Wife's face holding a big fat positive on a pee stick. And in 9 months on our 5th anniversary I want to be holding our newest addition to our family. 

I know 5 years is suppose to be the gift of wood but donor 12XXX used "wood" trying to create our bundle of joy.

Thanks Santa,

Love Brooke

9DPO

Well I checked last night and I only have 3 cheep pregnancy tests and one FRER.  I am at 9dpo today and 10dpiui.  I had some cramping the other day but other than that I feel nothing but hope!  I wanted so badly to POAS this morning and it was soooo hard not to.  I am going to POAS Thursday no matter what.  I don't think I can handle waiting any longer and that will give me enough tests to get to my expected period.  FF says AF should be here on Christmas...nice right.  But that would be a long cycle for me.  I think that's why I want to test sooner :)

I keep checking in on folks on BBC and Blogs and I want you to know I am rooting for all of us still waiting.  The TWW is awful.  Now it is getting cold and gray outside which doesn't help.  Maybe I will take my Mom up on the visit to FL in Feb!  A tan and warm to the bone is nice mid winter and hopefully I won't have that luxury next year because I will be busy with a bundle if joy!

I'll be in touch soon and I hope with great news.

In the TWW (2DPO)

Well we have completed our 5th nope make that 6th insemination with two vials again.  We did it Sat morning and Sat evening about 12 hrs apart.  I had some cramping a couple times during the day and once that I noticed in the middle of the night.  I am hoping that it was ovulation pains and we had good timing but we won't know for two weeks.

I thought work would occupy me this week but my boss just said he would rather I not help with the production work since I am HR.  We are so dead that doing this work for a change to help out was something I was looking forwards to.  BUT I guess I have more time to read blogs and my book.  I would so rather be busy than get paid to sit and wait for the phone to ring.

I think this Christmas is going to be interesting.  We have agreed to do no gifts.  They are so hard to purchase and I even hate getting them.  The only gift I want is a BFP and it would be the best Christmas ever.  I have never been much for Christmas but I do like the tree and food!  I always like food!  Shame on me :)

Well I should get back to acting like I am working as usual :)  Hope everyone is well.

CD10

Ok so I'm getting back to excited for trying again.  (Don't even want consider another BFN right now.)  We will be doing two IUI at home again but I hope to futz with the timing a little.  I feel more relaxed about things.  Maybe it's because I know work will be busy, who knows?

Brooke and I went to see my sister and her kids and her kids kid!  Yeah 19 with a 3mo and Yes I am Jealous!  But other than that is was a nice time and they are so kind to let Brooke and me hold the little one the whole time.  Mathew is so good and sweet he didn't cry much at all.  Then he spit up on Brooke, I thought she might puke on him but she just passed him to me and ran.  Just wait till we have one :)

We put our tree up and it looks real nice.  Makes me happy just looking at it.  I hope we all have a wonderful Holiday with lots to be thankful for.

I will give an update in about a week once the deed is done.  :)  Baby dust!

Attempt number SIX

So I think we are over the shock of another negative, well most of the time. 

Here is the new old plan.  We will start the clomid again tonight and take for the 5 days.  Then do it all over again for attempt number 6.  We have 4 vials left.  Haven’t discussed if we will do 2 again???  I plan to not POAS at all this cycle.  I don't want to know until it is real either way so no test at all until a missed period.  This is a busy time at work so I should do a little better not obsessing.  I am going to avoid baby center as much as I can.

Time to get a Christmas tree and think happy thoughts only.  Time for sadness to leave for a while, I hope you all have a great holiday and if I have happy things to say I will try to post again.

Happy Healthy thoughts to everyone!

BFN

Well I am sad to say another BFN.  Started my period on Sat.  Cried most of the day now moving on to our next step.  Not sure what it will be but I am so bumed I can't stand it.  Hope everyone else in this TTC thing is doing well. 
I'll let you know the new plan when I know.
TTFN

5 DPO

Well I am feeling a little better today.  It is Friday after all, and only a few more hours of work.  Brooke and I finalized plans for CT the other day and we are moving the trip to next Friday.  We will spend Thanksgiving with my stepsiblings and then head to CT the next day.  I do have to reschedule with my sister but I think she will understand.  I am taking a few days off to help out.
Now the dilemma, I ask this question not even sure I could follow the answers if I tried.  I want so badly to take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving but it will only be 11dpo.  I will be so disappointed if it is a BFN.  Will that ruin my day completely?  I also have the urge to tell my siblings we are really trying to have a baby at this point.  We only see them a couple times a year and after Thanksgiving the next time will be Easter!  I think I should wait but I am the kind of girl who might just blurt it out.  I really don't want to say anything until we have something good to say :(  I will do my best to keep my mouth shut.  But do I POAS or wait?
Good thing is I will be busy from 11dpo until AF shows up or I get the great news of a BFP.
I was just chatting with some ladies on BBC and it makes me more sure I want to find a new Dr.  I think I may call our midwife and ask her to assist us from now on, that is if insurance will accept her help as medically assisted.  I am at try #5.  This sucks so much as far as insurance.  If under 35 you have t try 12 times to get help if over just 6 tries.  On one had I wish I waited but who know it would really take this long.  Now it's like the last 4 don't count, this one too if it doesn't work.  Man I hate insurance but who doesn't.
Well I think I have shot off at the mouth enough today :)  Thanks for your ear.  Have a good weekend!

2 days past IUI #5

Well I know it has been a while and honestly I have no excuse.  Life can be crazy! I am now in my 5th two week wait but this time we tried with 2 vials of swimmers.  One at 4am and one at 9pm both on Sunday 11-13-11.  I have high hopes but I think I have an equal amount of doubt.  This is very hard...  I don't keep many secrets so a lot of people know we are trying to get pregos.  This makes it awesome because people get excited and it helps me keep positive, on the same note when I am feeling down it is hard to explain.  The change in seasons doesn't make it much better.  It is gray out :(  Now all I can think about is cleaning my yard yuck :(

My mom is back in FL and Brooke's mom just sold her house of almost 30 years and bought a new house.  It makes for an even less fun time in the next couple of months.  We need to plan time to go to CT to help out with the move and Brooke says she has to pick up a lot of her stuff...  I didn't even know she still had stuff in CT???  The only thing that will make this fun for me is knowing I have a bun in the oven.  I actually enjoy going to CT but I also know nothing will be the same now and it will be hectic.  I also know my emotional wife will have a hard time and I lack in the sweetness as I am sure you all know, even when I try.

When I started this post I didn't realize it would be so negative....moving on.

The day before doing the insemination Brooke and I went to KMart to pick a new baby item, usually a t shirt or something little and cute.  I was so excited to find a little fleece newborn sleeper thing with giraffes on it.  (you know the things that have no legs just a pouch, I don't know what they are called)  It is so cute and how can you go wrong with giraffes :) 

Well I hope to pee on a stick for Thanksgiving my favorite holiday!  If I get a positive then I know I will be in the best of moods great food and a bun!  Please keep your fingers crossed I know that if you are reading this you are rooting for us so thank you.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!

first peak of estrogen today

After a nice weekend doing my best to not think baby... my monitor says I am at high fertility (not peak) .  So I put in the order for sperm pick up tomorrow.  I feel much calmer this time and I am still not sure why.  Maybe I have resigned to doing my best and what happens will happen, or I am just saving up my crazy for after the insemination.

I guess what's on my mind today is more after baby things like the things I still want to do around the house.  Paint nursery, fix the yard, install cabinets in dog room/pantry. Seriously we have only had the house 2 years and have already done so much, I should be realistic but I want things NOW.  Wow I'm a pest :)  Mind you, I don't particularly want to do the work now...I want someone else to.  Reality check!  We will get it done little by little.

We have decided almost 100% on a name for a boy (Michael Sherwood Cavanagh) we even have more than one, we like Tobias and Henry.  We like old names.  We will not actually give a name until we see our baby.  Brooke is firmly against calling my belly a name :) we also don't plan to know the sex in advance so that makes it more interesting!  But for some reason we cannot find a girls name.  We are planning to use family names from Brooke's side for a boy.  I was playing with family names from my side for a girl and I kinda like it but Brooke seems on the fence and I am not 100% myself.  I also have no idea how my family members will feel about it.  So I will throw it out here and see if anyone says anything.  Eva Louise Cavanagh????  We could call her EL (L).  I kinda like it.  Suggestions are welcome but I make no promises about actual consideration!

Well I will give an update when I have one.  Keep your fingers crossed :)

happy today

Well I can't say exactly why but I feel kinda good today.  It could be a few things.  Brooke just started a new job last night.  I could see how she lit up when she told me she got the job.  I am just so happy it will make her feel good to be out and about more.  I am on CD10 (cycle day) and getting ready to try again.  I feel more positive this go round I think because this time we are on our own and I am not going to go crazy about the sperm pick up.  I was so worried last time.  I just read B6 can be helpful and I think I will pick some up today, why not.  I am taking a prenatal but I don't think they are the best and I am going to look into better ones, gives me something to do.  It's also Friday and you can't beat that.

Someone recommended actually using a speculum and checking my cervix daily.  May seem like a lot but I want to do it.  It is free and we have a speculum for the insemination.  It will also make the actual time less stressful for both of us if this practice makes us more comfortable with the whole process.  I know TMI but it actually makes me feel more relaxed just knowing how easy it will be to see the changes instead of just wondering.

I was also thinking that if we were to get a BFP (Big Fat Positive) this time the baby might share or come really close to having the same birthday as Brooke.  That would make me happy.  It would give them another special connection.  Like I said I am a little happy today and that seems to bring out the sap.

I never like to admit to my softer side I am the tough one (so I think).  Well this baby stuff just makes me want to melt.  I want to have this little creature to call my own.  I never thought of myself this way until recently.  Sometimes I still wonder why do I want this?  How many people do I know that don't get along with their siblings or parents?  How will I be different?  Not sure that I will but I am sure I will do my best.  I look forward to the future when my child goes through all the good stages (lets not think about the bad ones for now) and one day all grown up and they realize they do actually like me :)  I know Brooke and I have come to realize how much we need our moms.  When I least expect it something happens that makes me smile.  Right now it is my Mom actually rooting me on in this journey to be a mom.  I don't quite know what I expected her reaction to be, she can be kinda tough sometimes, but all she is sending me right now is love and it means the world to me.  So take a min and forget any bad crap and be happy for the good stuff you have.  That's what I keep telling myself.  I know I am a lucky girl!

Just another day

I visit this great site baby center all the time.  It has been awesome to find people going through the same things I am.  I asked the question about doing one or two IUI vials in a cycle and feel good about the answers I got.  I have done a ton of research and know its all about timing (and that's not easy) but sometimes when you want something so bad you go crazy.  I am relieved to see they recommend only one.  Considering they are not cheep it make me crazy to think of doing two in one cycle. 

I do feel like I am in a lull before the storm.  I remember all to well what my last TWW (two week wait) was like!  To give you a little insight to my personal madness... 

I check the donor sight daily to check a couple of things.  One is he still sold out?  Two has anyone gotten pregnant?  Less than a week after we made our decision and purchase I checked back and "Not Available" popped up.  I knew this would happen but so fast? As for the pregnancy, Yes they have a box for this. 
After seeing no in both spots my mind scrambles.  What if it takes me more than 5 tries?  What about baby # 2?  What if Brooke needs more?  Why hasn't anyone gotten pregnant?  Is his stuff bad?   Mind you this happens all in about the first 15 min that I sign into my computer.

If that is not bad enough...  I started my period sort of on time but my last cycle was all out of whack.  Well it wasn't quite the same as usual.  It never got heavy like it usually does and it lasted longer than my usual 3 days.  So now I think well what if I'm one of those people who still has a period while pregnant?  Mind you I POAS (Peed on a stick) the day my period started and got a BFN (Big Fat Negative) so what are the chances?  Zilch  I think of myself as a logical sane person most of the time, but clearly this is not one of the times. I HAVE NOT POAS SINCE MY PERIOD.  I think more to prove to myself that I am not crazy than to prove myself right (not pregnant).  How crazy am I? (OK don't answer please)

Well enough of my crazy thoughts for now.  I AM going to try very hard to be calm and normal from now on.  If I keep saying it do you think it could happen?  Ha

Creeping up on second try

This is the first time blogging for me but after finding wiegandwrites blog I feel inspired or compelled. 



My wife and I just recently started our new adventure of baby makin.  It took a lot of time for us to come to this TTC (Trying to conceive) agreement.  We are complete opposites.  My wife Brooke is a fly by the seat of your pants kind of girl.  Always wants to make people happy and very sweet.  I on the other hand am a total control freak.  We have been together for about 8 years now and married since 9-22-07.  We have a house and are feeling like this is it...I also hear my biological clock gonging... I am 34 and she is 31. 



Well we decided to seriously consider growing a family and just needed to work out the logistics.  She wanted to ask one of our friends and I was firmly against!  I can't have someone else feeling they have ANY say in our babies life.  After going through our feelings and doing some research we also decided to go with a open donor much like Jen & Megan of wiegandwrites from the blog that started me on this blogging thing



I feel like I am reading our story when I look at the wiegandwrites blog.  We did our first IUI at home on June 30, 2011.  We were so lucky to find a midwife who was able to teach my wife how to do the insemination in our home.  It feels more intimate and much more relaxed at home.  I feel so lucky to be able to do this. 


So we did it and we waited..and waited..and waited.  It did feel like forever!  Every little thing I felt I wondered about but I didn't want to tell Brooke.  She would be the first to look it up and analyze.  I didn't want to get her hopes up or mine.  But I was so hopeful.  I really thought it was going to happen.  But it didn't.  Started my period July 13th.


Now we are planning try number 2.  Scheduling the pickup for next Monday and hope to O (ovulate) maybe Wednesday.  Now our next big question is do we get more than one vial??  I have read about people doing one then 16 or so hour later doing another.  I really hate uncertainties.  Still haven't settled on that one yet.  Guess I'll let you know when I know

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