Well I went for my scan again today and I got to see little bean again. It was bouncing around and waiving hands with a good strong heart beat. I am in a good place for the first time in a few weeks.
I do plan to change doctors in the next month or so. We asked if they sent in the blood work from the last week because we were, OK I was, hoping to get the gender. They then informed me that the test I was having wouldn't show this and I have to wait till 18 weeks. OK no big deal really, except I was lead to believe this was the test that would show gender... Also they still could not tell us why the scan had to be redone! The doctor was not in today but honestly this is my medical info. I just want a doctor who is more upfront and clear.
I think that is it for now. Brooke and I are going to CT for the long weekend and I am excited to get away for a bit in a happy place emotionally and physically.
I hope you all have a happy and safe holiday!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
If I only knew about all the ups and downs...
I know it has been a while. I just can't believe all that happens in this journey. I wouldn't wish my story on anyone. Well my last post let you know I was having twins.
We got released from the RE and had our first appointment with the OBGYN. It went well and the Dr seemed nice. She did do a quick ultrasound and we saw baby A clear as day, baby B seemed difficult and the Dr said it was hiding and set us up for another ultrasound in a week. I was a little put off by not seeing baby b but the Dr. didn't seem concerned at all so I tried to let it go.
Brooke and I were getting used of the idea of 2 and even stopped in babies R us for a peak, bad decision, I almost had a mental breakdown just so overwhelming especially with two babies in mind. Fast forward a few days and I went for another ultrasound. I told Brooke she didn't have to miss work for this, we don't want to give any reason for work to get upset. At the scan I get the news the second baby is not viable. I wanted to die on the spot. I just felt like something was going to be wrong. Not physically but mentally. I kept telling myself to let it go I was just freaking myself out. Well I guess my gut was right.
They reassured me it was early and the two babies are in separate sacks so baby A should be fine, and baby A is doing well. Such a shot to me I didn't know how to feel. I was so sad. I wanted to be happy about baby A still doing well but it was to much to think about. I lost another little one and I was crushed. It took a while to figure it out in my mind. I tried to think positive, the first thought was it will not be as hard now financially but then in an instant I was so mad at myself for letting that thought in my head. I lost a baby not a financial burden. Baby A lost a sibling and a playmate. Man it was hard.
My doctor was not in that day so another one came to talk to me. It was a blur but she said I could come back in a week to have another scan for peace of mind. I scheduled it. The next morning my Dr. called to check in and also asked that I make an appointment to speak with her after the scan just to discuss. I called when the office opened and asked to have that scheduled.
Now Brooke and I have to cope with the loss and the fact we still have a little one growing, very confusing emotionally. We take our time and it starts to settle in and I start to accept our reality and move on.
Now at this very moment baby A is measuring right and has a strong heartbeat. But that doesn't mean we are off the hook for more crap.
I go for the scan just to see baby A and feel better about things. Brooke came with me this time. We did see the bug bouncing around and a strong heartbeat. We were happy as can be but I still had a heavy heart but getting better. The tech started taking measurements and what not, seemed normal. Then we went to the waiting room to see the Dr. Well they didn't actually put me on the schedule, I have no idea why. Then they scramble and squeeze me in. We get put in an exam room and they start a regular visit. Make me strip and such. The Dr. comes in and starts the usual and says she would so the pap then. I did not want a pap at all. I couldn't handle bleeding from my who ha right now for any reason. She was confused. I told her I thought she just wanted to talk and go over the scan. She said well they took measurements so I might as well get the blood work done as well, so I did. Mind you I was scheduled at the end of this month for this test not that day. The Dr. said to cancel that and I just went with the flow. All this happened last Thursday.
Well two days ago I got another call from the Dr. office that I had to come back in for the scan and blood work again because the measurements??? Now I'm pissed. I also failed to mention the ultrasound tech was a half hour late because she had to change the paper in the machine and didn't know how. She said this machine was different than the one she was used to!
So are the measurements off because baby is not well or because tech screwed up? I still do not know. I made the appointment and the next day called back to clarify so I thought. The nurse has reassured me that baby is correct size and has a good heart beat but could not tell me WHY the measurements had to be done again.
What really is pissing me off is the scan was supposed to be for me not for testing. So instead of making me feel better now I feel worse. I am not sure if I can stay with this Dr but I am going to try to give one more chance to gain my confidence.
This is not how I thought my pregnancy would be. Never mind my hormones making me crazy but if the Dr office can't get shit straight what good are they??? I am so tired of being upset and emotional. I am also so tired that every time I post it is ugly. I want to say happy things but until I know baby is OK I just can't be truly happy. After all I have read I have a feeling that may not come with this pregnancy at all. I just want a healthy baby to bring home.
I only decided to post this because maybe someone else is going through a hard time too and can learn from my crap or just know they are not alone. I feel very alone in this. I know Brooke does as well. It is hard to talk about it. I know we both have the same feelings running through us. I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff and upset her and I know she feels the same about me. I really hope after the scan on Tuesday I will have a better outlook.
Thanks for reading and I will do my best to have happy news soon.
TTFN
We got released from the RE and had our first appointment with the OBGYN. It went well and the Dr seemed nice. She did do a quick ultrasound and we saw baby A clear as day, baby B seemed difficult and the Dr said it was hiding and set us up for another ultrasound in a week. I was a little put off by not seeing baby b but the Dr. didn't seem concerned at all so I tried to let it go.
Brooke and I were getting used of the idea of 2 and even stopped in babies R us for a peak, bad decision, I almost had a mental breakdown just so overwhelming especially with two babies in mind. Fast forward a few days and I went for another ultrasound. I told Brooke she didn't have to miss work for this, we don't want to give any reason for work to get upset. At the scan I get the news the second baby is not viable. I wanted to die on the spot. I just felt like something was going to be wrong. Not physically but mentally. I kept telling myself to let it go I was just freaking myself out. Well I guess my gut was right.
They reassured me it was early and the two babies are in separate sacks so baby A should be fine, and baby A is doing well. Such a shot to me I didn't know how to feel. I was so sad. I wanted to be happy about baby A still doing well but it was to much to think about. I lost another little one and I was crushed. It took a while to figure it out in my mind. I tried to think positive, the first thought was it will not be as hard now financially but then in an instant I was so mad at myself for letting that thought in my head. I lost a baby not a financial burden. Baby A lost a sibling and a playmate. Man it was hard.
My doctor was not in that day so another one came to talk to me. It was a blur but she said I could come back in a week to have another scan for peace of mind. I scheduled it. The next morning my Dr. called to check in and also asked that I make an appointment to speak with her after the scan just to discuss. I called when the office opened and asked to have that scheduled.
Now Brooke and I have to cope with the loss and the fact we still have a little one growing, very confusing emotionally. We take our time and it starts to settle in and I start to accept our reality and move on.
Now at this very moment baby A is measuring right and has a strong heartbeat. But that doesn't mean we are off the hook for more crap.
I go for the scan just to see baby A and feel better about things. Brooke came with me this time. We did see the bug bouncing around and a strong heartbeat. We were happy as can be but I still had a heavy heart but getting better. The tech started taking measurements and what not, seemed normal. Then we went to the waiting room to see the Dr. Well they didn't actually put me on the schedule, I have no idea why. Then they scramble and squeeze me in. We get put in an exam room and they start a regular visit. Make me strip and such. The Dr. comes in and starts the usual and says she would so the pap then. I did not want a pap at all. I couldn't handle bleeding from my who ha right now for any reason. She was confused. I told her I thought she just wanted to talk and go over the scan. She said well they took measurements so I might as well get the blood work done as well, so I did. Mind you I was scheduled at the end of this month for this test not that day. The Dr. said to cancel that and I just went with the flow. All this happened last Thursday.
Well two days ago I got another call from the Dr. office that I had to come back in for the scan and blood work again because the measurements??? Now I'm pissed. I also failed to mention the ultrasound tech was a half hour late because she had to change the paper in the machine and didn't know how. She said this machine was different than the one she was used to!
So are the measurements off because baby is not well or because tech screwed up? I still do not know. I made the appointment and the next day called back to clarify so I thought. The nurse has reassured me that baby is correct size and has a good heart beat but could not tell me WHY the measurements had to be done again.
What really is pissing me off is the scan was supposed to be for me not for testing. So instead of making me feel better now I feel worse. I am not sure if I can stay with this Dr but I am going to try to give one more chance to gain my confidence.
This is not how I thought my pregnancy would be. Never mind my hormones making me crazy but if the Dr office can't get shit straight what good are they??? I am so tired of being upset and emotional. I am also so tired that every time I post it is ugly. I want to say happy things but until I know baby is OK I just can't be truly happy. After all I have read I have a feeling that may not come with this pregnancy at all. I just want a healthy baby to bring home.
I only decided to post this because maybe someone else is going through a hard time too and can learn from my crap or just know they are not alone. I feel very alone in this. I know Brooke does as well. It is hard to talk about it. I know we both have the same feelings running through us. I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff and upset her and I know she feels the same about me. I really hope after the scan on Tuesday I will have a better outlook.
Thanks for reading and I will do my best to have happy news soon.
TTFN
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