Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Good Scan!

Well I went for my scan again today and I got to see little bean again.  It was bouncing around and waiving hands with a good strong heart beat.  I am in a good place for the first time in a few weeks.

I do plan to change doctors in the next month or so.  We asked if they sent in the blood work from the last week because we were, OK I was, hoping to get the gender.  They then informed me that the test I was having wouldn't show this and I have to wait till 18 weeks.  OK no big deal really, except I was lead to believe this was the test that would show gender... Also they still could not tell us why the scan had to be redone!  The doctor was not in today but honestly this is my medical info.  I just want a doctor who is more upfront and clear.

I think that is it for now.  Brooke and I are going to CT for the long weekend and I am excited to get away for a bit in a happy place emotionally and physically.

I hope you all have a happy and safe holiday!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

If I only knew about all the ups and downs...

I know it has been a while.  I just can't believe all that happens in this journey.  I wouldn't wish my story on anyone.  Well my last post let you know I was having twins.

We got released from the RE and had our first appointment with the OBGYN.  It went well and the Dr seemed nice.  She did do a quick ultrasound and we saw baby A clear as day, baby B seemed difficult and the Dr said it was hiding and set us up for another ultrasound in a week.  I was a little put off by not seeing baby b but the Dr. didn't seem concerned at all so I tried to let it go.

Brooke and I were getting used of the idea of 2 and even stopped in babies R us for a peak, bad decision, I almost had a mental breakdown just so overwhelming especially with two babies in mind.  Fast forward a few days and I went for another ultrasound.  I told Brooke she didn't have to miss work for this, we don't want to give any reason for work to get upset.  At the scan I get the news the second baby is not viable.  I wanted to die on the spot.  I just felt like something was going to be wrong. Not physically but mentally.  I kept telling myself to let it go I was just freaking myself out.  Well I guess my gut was right.

They reassured me it was early and the two babies are in separate sacks so baby A should be fine, and baby A is doing well.  Such a shot to me I didn't know how to feel.  I was so sad.  I wanted to be happy about baby A still doing well but it was to much to think about.  I lost another little one and I was crushed.  It took a while to figure it out in my mind.  I tried to think positive, the first thought was it will not be as hard now financially but then in an instant I was so mad at myself for letting that thought in my head.  I lost a baby not a financial burden.  Baby A lost a sibling and a playmate.  Man it was hard.

My doctor was not in that day so another one came to talk to me.  It was a blur but she said I could come back in a week to have another scan for peace of mind.  I scheduled it.  The next morning my Dr. called to check in and also asked that I make an appointment to speak with her after the scan just to discuss.  I called when the office opened and asked to have that scheduled.

Now Brooke and I have to cope with the loss and the fact we still have a little one growing, very confusing emotionally.  We take our time and it starts to settle in and I start to accept our reality and move on.

Now at this very moment baby A is measuring right and has a strong heartbeat.  But that doesn't mean we are off the hook for more crap.

I go for the scan just to see baby A and feel better about things.  Brooke came with me this time.  We did see the bug bouncing around and a strong heartbeat.  We were happy as can be but I still had a heavy heart but getting better.  The tech started taking measurements and what not, seemed normal.  Then we went to the waiting room to see the Dr.  Well they didn't actually put me on the schedule, I have no idea why.  Then they scramble and squeeze me in.  We get put in an exam room and they start a regular visit.  Make me strip and such.  The Dr. comes in and starts the usual and says she would so the pap then.  I did not want a pap at all.  I couldn't handle bleeding from my who ha right now for any reason.  She was confused.  I told her I thought she just wanted to talk and go over the scan.  She said well they took measurements so I might as well get the blood work done as well, so I did.  Mind you I was scheduled at the end of this month for this test not that day.  The Dr. said to cancel that and I just went with the flow.  All this happened last Thursday.

Well two days ago I got another call from the Dr. office that I had to come back in for the scan and blood work again because the measurements???  Now I'm pissed.  I also failed to mention the ultrasound tech was a half hour late because she had to change the paper in the machine and didn't know how.  She said this machine was different than the one she was used to!

So are the measurements off because baby is not well or because tech screwed up?  I still do not know.  I made the appointment and the next day called back to clarify so I thought.  The nurse has reassured me that baby is correct size and has a good heart beat but could not tell me WHY the measurements had to be done again.

What really is pissing me off is the scan was supposed to be for me not for testing.  So instead of making me feel better now I feel worse.  I am not sure if I can stay with this Dr but I am going to try to give one more chance to gain my confidence.

This is not how I thought my pregnancy would be.  Never mind my hormones making me crazy but if the Dr office can't get shit straight what good are they???  I am so tired of being upset and emotional.  I am also so tired that every time I post it is ugly.  I want to say happy things but until I know baby is OK I just can't be truly happy.  After all I have read I have a feeling that may not come with this pregnancy at all.  I just want a healthy baby to bring home.

I only decided to post this because maybe someone else is going through a hard time too and can learn from my crap or just know they are not alone.  I feel very alone in this.  I know Brooke does as well.  It is hard to talk about it.  I know we both have the same feelings running through us.  I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff and upset her and I know she feels the same about me.  I really hope after the scan on Tuesday I will have a better outlook.

Thanks for reading and I will do my best to have happy news soon.


Monday, July 22, 2013


Well I was so worried about this scan for fear of the worst...  I went in today for my second scan and much to my surprise we are having twins! 

We are now past when I had a loss last year and with the news of twins I am determined to be happy.  This is just what we wished for now we have to prepare:)

I think I am in a much better place now and I hope to have fun things to share allong the way.
What a crazy ride life can be!

Friday, July 19, 2013

so nervous

I go for may second ultrasound on Monday and I am so nervous.  The first scan was perfect and we had never gotten to that point last time.  Also last time my back was so sore that I have convinced myself that was when I was losing the pregnancy.  I haven't had back pain like that at all and no spotting at all but I am still terrified.  My symptoms keep changing and I can't figure them out.  I haven't talked about it because it just makes me want to cry.  I know nothing can be done no matter what so I am trying to let it go but today it isn't working.  I really just want to go back to bed until I get to the second trimester.  I am sorry to be so down but I am.  My logical mind says I will have good news on Monday but by heart hurts about what could be. 
I found a new group on baby center of ladies over 35 and pregnant due around the same time.  I was so happy to find them because they seem so supportive compared to the big birth boards that have way too much drama for me.  I logged in this morning to find 2 more posts of ladies who went for scans and found the pregnancy wasn't viable.  It just set me off and I guess triggered me to write this.  It is all so scary to me right now and I hate it.

I think I have said enough.  I appreciate having a safe place to let my thoughts out.  I hope to be in better spirits soon and I promise to let you all know how the scan goes on Monday goes.


Monday, July 8, 2013

a little heart beat!

I know it has been a bit but I was just so nervous I couldn't write.  We had our first BETA on June 23rd and it came back at 203.6 then another on the 26th came back at 786.  So I was happy but still freaking out.  We went this morning for our first scan and honestly I wanted to run away the whole time expecting to see nothing.  Thank goodness it was all in my head.  We have one little blob measuring perfectly and a little heartbeat!  I am still in a fog and not sure when it will hit me it is real, other than the RE telling us we have to find an OB in the next 2 weeks.

I have not felt much this time.  A little yucky stomach but I haven't felt like it is morning sickness yet but I might be delusional because I did puke last night (not nice).

Other than that I don't have much to say.  I hope this is it!

Thanks for looking in and I will update when I have any good news to share.


Thursday, June 20, 2013

So we did it again

Well I have been so grumpy with all this fertility crap I just said "F" it!  I started another cycle at the end of May and now I am 10 days past a 3 day transfer of 3 embryos.  All three looked good but all three also had a bit of fragmentation but still a high grade.  I am scheduled for my BETA test on Sunday.

I can't even begin to start with all the crap that goes on with this process.  They were sending my meds out every other day because my insurance has some no waste policy and the pharmacy can't seem to make up its mind on what exactly this means.  One cycle they send all the meds the next part then another part.  Well this time I was on such a high dose it was ridiculous, right when I received delivery I would call in another order...annoying!

We made it through that mess went in for retrieval and they only got 7!  I was on so much meds and only 7 WTF!  Then after getting home we had 3 messages that they needed to do ICSI (inject one sperm into each egg) because our swimmers didn't meet the standard.  This is an additional $2500 if insurance doesn't approve.  We couldn't wait or we could lose them all so we said "do it" praying the insurance would cover and it seems it did thank goodness.  That crisis averted we waited to find only 5 fertilized.  So we were scheduled for a 3 day transfer and I was so bummed.  The whole cycle feels like a cluster Fu@%.

I told Brooke I was done.  If this cycle doesn't work it is her eggs next!  I have not been doing anything more than taking the meds.  I usually try to eat better or read a bunch on fertility boards.  I had no interest until about  Monday when I just peaked in on the boards to see what was up with the ladies.  I started to feel more into it but still didn't get invested.  Yesterday I just felt odd.  I told my co worker if I wasn't pregnant I would be pissed with how I feel but what are the odds for me, the meds make all these things happen after all.  I know I have done it enough times.  I was also running to pee so much yesterday.

Sooo  very long story short.  I POAS this morning and we have 2 lines!  If you made it this far in my rant the good news is we are pregnant again!  It is really really early and I am trying to be cautious but it is getting harder by the min.  It was a year ago I was pregnant for the first time.  Brooke says maybe I can only get pregnant in June :)

Now I am going to try to get my mind and body into it and be good.  Eat better and take care of myself better.  I cannot help but be excited.  If something goes wrong I will have to deal then, but for now I am so happy to say I am pregnant!  It was also the best thing to wake Brooke up to today, She didn't know I was going to POAS this morning.  Honestly I didn't know until I just did it.

Friday, April 26, 2013


Well I am still not pregnant.  This is beginning to feel like a bad joke.  I am going to set up a meeting with the Dr. but I plan to take May off so really won't be doing anything until July.  I really need a break and I also need to get my mind and body back for a little while.

I hope everyone is doing well, stay tuned to see what happens next.........in a month or two