No good news...

This is not what I wanted to be writing today but I have put it off long enough.  Monday morning about 2 AM I had a miscarriage.  Woke up with cramps and blood went to ER and soon after it was over.  It was not physically painful.  It was very emotional.  Looks like it stopped around 5 weeks.  No one knows why.

We are doing well.  Spent the day together and it was really nice to have that time alone.  It was just us and our feelings.  Now we are back to reality and it can be hard.  I take things in a very realistic way.  I know we are moving on to try again.  Brooke is more emotional and I feel for her.  It is a confusing time.  She wants to be strong for me but I know she is sad.  I also know I am sad but not sure if I will ever be able to allow myself that sadness.  I defiantly aloud myself the night but that time has now passed for me.

Strange, now I find myself trying to make others feel better about it.  I am honestly OK.  I am not great but I am not in pain.  I know we will get pregnant again.  When someone asks about things I have no choice but to tell them.  I had been saying all along this could happen and I feel like it shouldn't be a secret.  I must say I didn't really want to be the one to make people more aware.

Looking forward...  We are waiting for my period to start again.  Not sure how long that will take it could be quick like 2 weeks or could be up to 8 weeks or so, it is not up to me.  Then we start over.  Taking birth control pills for about a month then back to injections.  The Dr. is increasing the dose in hopes of more eggs. I am glad for that.  I just want to think positive.  I want to be the same.  I don't want to be treated differently at all.  This is the hard part, waiting again.

I will have good news again soon so don't give up on us.

Things seem to be on track.

I went for my 3rd BETA on wed and it came back at 1650.  The nurse called and said it was good :).  Prior to her call I had a little panic attack.  I went in to the potty around 11 and had blood, it was brown which means old blood, I know this is normal as I have read many times but I freaked.  I called the nurse and the numbers were not in yet but she said they don't worry about brown blood.  Easy for them.  Well by end of day no more blood and still none so I do feel better.  My back is much better but by the end of the day it aches.  I think it will be better in the next week.  I ordered yoga videos and I think the stretching will make all the difference.

We go for our first ultrasound on the 31st at 9am.  It can't get here soon enough.  We should see the heart beat then.  I am really hoping for great news.  I was feeling so good before the spotting (well good about being pregnant! my back still hurt) I hope seeing something or someone in my belly :) will put me back in a place of ease.

Now that we have gotten this far I am ready to try to really enjoy my summer.  Going to start planning family visits to CT and maybe a few shindigs at our place.  I am getting excited!

TTFN

BETA #2 results 157

I guess I could have explained a little better what a BETA is for those not on this TTC roller coaster ride.  The Dr can do a blood test to confirm pregnancy but they can also do a test that generates a number in relation to how much of the pregnancy hormone you have in your blood at that time.  The idea is to have that number double within a certain span of time.  My first number was 77 and my second number is 157.  That is a doubling time of 46.7 hours.  I am happy with this number and the Dr. office said it was good.  I go back for a third test next Wed. but I am so happy right now.

It feels like this really is it!  I will keep you posted and thanks so much for sticking around.  Your support is making this roller coaster a much better ride.

<3

BETA 77 at 15dpo

So it is confirmed we ARE pregnant, but we kinda guessed that.  The number came back at 77.  I really thought it would be higher but what do I know.  I go back on Wed for BETA #2.

Crazy thing is every time I feel anything I go into a panic.  I went to McDonalds for lunch (I know it is bad) I took two bites and my stomach tightened.  Then I started thinking, is this my period.  I am only saying this because it keeps going through my head at least once an hour.  I don't want to freak out but I can't stop.  I really hope the second BETA eases my nerves. 

I was reading on baby center March 2013 and a small group formed for the third week of the month.  They had introductions and I was SHOCKED at how many of this group had had miscarriages.  This is a group of maybe 20 women so far, most straight and young and I would bet 1/3 of them had had a miscarriage.  It was crazy to read and only made me more nervous.  The only thing that eased my mind is most seemed to be after having a healthy first child, but still :(

I AM HAPPY, but this blog is supposed to also let people know whats going on in my head sometimes and well as much as I am excited I am also terrified.

Till Wed.........time to double those numbers

We have 2 lines!

In case you don't know what that means WE ARE PREGNANT!  I do have to say it is a very faint line but a line is a line in this business.  This is the first time in over a year of trying to see two lines.  I am only 11 days past ovulation 8 days past transfer.  I do need to be cautious it is very early but so many of you have been reading all my ups and down I can't stand not telling you!  So for this moment and I pry the next 9 months my wife and I are pregnant.

I really can't say anything to top that.  I will be going in for my BETA (blood pregnancy test) on Monday and will report back as soon as I know the numbers!

I hope you all had a happy 4th.  <3